Sunday, June 10, 2012

Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

I recently saw this post by Bianca over at Goodnight Little Spoon, who got it from Creature Comforts and I thought it would be a really cool post for a bit of a change of pace! I figure I will just list five or six things! Maybe it will give you guys a glimpse into my real life. So here goes!

So first up, I figured I would start with the biggest thing that has impacted my life. My disorders. I will never be 'normal'. You can say, "well, what is normal?", but that really doesn't apply to me. I simply will never be like other people. For the past almost 7 years, I have been dealing with mental instability and mental illness. I am officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder, panic disorder with agoraphobia, generalized anxiety disorder, insomnia, and mild obsessive compulsive disorder. The last two are both sort-of side effects from the bipolar disorder. I am on medication, six different medications to be exact, and I will always have to be on medication. Pills for the rest of my life. It seems daunting, but it's easier for me now given that I have been on meds for so long. I don't sleep without my meds, and really, I can't function without them. I've got my agoraphobia in check (for those who don't know what that means, it's essentially a fear of not leaving one's comfort zones.), but twice I have stayed in my home for months, the worst being 8 months straight. I am an extremely nervous person, and have regular panic attacks, which have become normal for me, but, as I said, I will never be like others. It makes life difficult for me, but I have to deal with it simply because these disorders will never go away. Being diagnosed was terrifying and I rebelled against my doctors orders by taking myself off my medications without telling anyone, but now I know that I absolutely need them. No amount of deep breathing or yoga fixes anything. But once I got older, I realized that my official diagnosis was a blessing in disguise because I realized that it explained a lot of things in my past, things that I had gone through and behaviors that I had. That's kind of the short version. It's all hereditary, as well.

Second, I've always had a weird obsession with fish. Betta fish to be exact. At one point, I had over 30 of them. The obsession was a sort-of coping mechanism for the feelings that I felt at the time. Thankfully, with the help of therapy, these obsessions, fixations, and feelings have been put in check. Just for reference, here is a photo from years ago when I was going through this 'fish period'. Crazy, right? Haha. The photo doesn't even show all of the tanks and bowls!

Third, I have never, ever considered myself beautiful. I think that I'm fat and ugly and that nobody will ever want me. I'm too tall (I'm six feet.) and my face is enormous. I feel awful when around my closest friend (here at least.) because she is so much more attractive than me. I'd rather stay home, watch tv and eat food that I really shouldn't be eating in the first place.

Fourth, err...I am nearly 21 years old and I still sleep with my gross, tattered baby blanket...It's name is 'Kibi'!

Fifth, I am extremely paranoid, especially when it comes to things of the paranormal variety! I fully, wholeheartedly believe in ghosts, spirits, demons, etc, and I absolutely REFUSE to live in an old home because of what could have um...been left behind, if you will.

Sixth. I am terrified of growing old alone and un-married.

Seventh. I want children so bad it almost hurts! But at the same time, I am absolutely terrified of passing my disorders or similar ones on to my children. I have mostly gotten over that because I feel like with the things I have been through, I will be able to help my child (if one of my children is diagnosed.) through his or her feelings and notice the signs of mental illness quickly. Does that make any sense?

Eighth. One single person (who started out as a pen pal.) kept me alive during my late teen years. Her name is Monica and I cannot be more grateful for having her in my life. Aside from my parents (I wouldn't have done anything simply because it would kill them if I had.), she has been the most supportive person I have ever had and guess what? I haven't even met her yet!

Ninth. I am obsessed with having a neat and orderly bedroom. The only problem? IT'S NOT NEAT AND ORDERLY! It's actually been bothering me for months, but I can't seem to bring myself (motivate myself?) to clean it even though I KNOW it needs to be done! It just seems like such a daunting task. I think I might actually do it this coming week when I have two days off. Just completely empty out the entire room (which will be very difficult given that I have two running fish tanks in my bedroom...), scrub it top to bottom, vacuum, shampoo the carpets (If I can figure out how to work the damn shampoo-er.), and organize everything. AGAIN.

Tenth. My father and I had a horrid relationship up until very recently. It makes me incredibly happy that he now tells me he loves me even though I know I make his life hell. I 'hated' him for so long when I was in high school, and it breaks my heart to know that he thinks I actually do hate him even though he's been one of the most influential people in my life. My dad is my hero. I just teared up a bit there!

Eleventh. I have an un-natural fear of death. It all began when I lost my grandfather a few years back. It terrifies me. My biggest fear is my dad dying. I still bawl like a baby when I talk about my grandfather. A few years ago, I had a dream that my dad died right before we left without him to go down to Los Angeles to visit my extended family, and I called him every hour on the hour just to make sure he was still alive. Yep, EVERY HOUR.

Twelfth. I am insanely jealous of my 16 year old brother. he is perfect. perfect grades, perfect everything. The 'golden boy' if you will. I have always been the black sheep of my family and despite graduating high school a year early and trying my best at the things I do, I never feel like I am good enough.

Thirteenth. I caused myself to have a seizure. At the time, I was mis-diagnosed with ADHD and I was abusing the medication, taking it by the handful and not eating because well, I wasn't hungry. I did lose about 15 pounds, but one day, I woke up on the floor of my computer class (I was 16 years old by the way.) with paramedics forcing an oxygen mask on me and a teacher stroking my hair telling me everything was going to be alright. To this day, I have not admitted this to my parents, nor my neurologist. My brain wave activity is still extremely abnormal, but the doctor has more or less said that it was probably like that to begin with. I am on a medication (one of the six I take.) for it and will be for the rest of my life. The crap thing is, this medication causes bone density issues and I could end up with early arthritis and early osteoporosis as a side effect.

And lastly...I am completely, totally..BROKE. I work part-time, have tons of bills, and usually have about two dollars to my name the day after I get paid. Right now, I can't really hold a full-time job due to my inability to handle lots of stress, so I'm more or less up a creek without a paddle. I haven't purchased myself new clothes in I don't know how long! I would LOVE to be able to buy myself a new letter-set or roll of washi tape somewhere, but I simply can't afford it! Purchasing a bottle of nail polish this week was a HUGE deal for me and I felt so, so guilty after making the purchase! I do, however, ALWAYS allow for nine dollars to go to one sheet of stamps per paycheck! I will never, ever stop writing letters! My pen pals (I hate that word. They are my FRIENDS.) kept me sane during my bad periods, and agoraphobic times.

Okay, that was WAY more than five or six, but oh well! Please share anything you like via comment! I would love to hear your thoughts!

Saturday, June 9, 2012


I am finally able to share some of my outgoing mail with your guys! These past few days were a bit busy for me. The night before last, I couldn't sleep so I was practically a zombie all day at work yesterday and then conked out at about 10:30pm last night which is SUPER early for me! Anywho, before I show off the incoming and outgoing, I want to show you my resent purchase! I've become completely OBSESSED with nail polish recently! I love it! I prefer to have nice looking nails because I work in retail and one of the first things a customer see is your HANDS! Anyway, back on topic...I BOUGHT A HUNGER GAMES NAIL POLISH! I saw it while in a beauty supply store looking for nail art materials (which I ended up not coming home with by the way...grr.) and I have TO get it! Meet...China Glaze 'Fast Track'! note, this photo is not mine and comes from this website!

Is that not just beautiful? It's a darker nude-ish color with a bit of gold glitter! I'm only allowed to wear nudes, pinks, or reds (and anything in between) due to my company policies, but this one has definitely taken the cake over my other polishes! I don't even need to art it up at all! Unfortunately, most of the other colors the store had were the dark colors. :( I'm definitely into a couple of the other lighter nude colors, but these were a bit expensive so I'll probably stick to just this one!


Oh! This is mail related, actually! I picked up a sheet of the new Disney themed postage stamps! I'm not a collector, so you folks will see these beauties on your letters! How cute! These awesome themes tend to sell out really fast at the post office, so I jumped at them while I was mailing a package out the other day.

Isn't the Nemo and friends stamp just precious?

Okay, NOW on the the mail, haha. I'll do my outgoing first. :)

One to Sarah in England.

One to Bee in Czech Republic!

One to Rose in Australia!

One to Felicia in Canada! Ignore the 'Epic Fail' and 'Fail' bits! My typewriter decided to act up and messed things up! I didn't want to waste a pretty notecard from a set my mom bought me. :)

One to Hannah in England!

Now for the incoming!

She colored it all on her own! So artistic!

How awesome is that envelope?

I love how Bree colors her envies!

I love these stamps!

Why doesn't the US make awesome funky shaped stamps like the one's on this letter?!

How fun is that? Multiple notecards! I'm reallllly fond of brown paper envelopes! :)

And that's it for today! I've got to get to the mailbox, work on a few letter and head in for a six hour work shift! Tomorrow is an 8 hour shift! I'd better wear my sneakers instead of flip-flops today and tomorrow! Eeeep!

OH! And make sure you guys enter my giveaway!!!

Friday, June 8, 2012

Fruit Slice Manicure Tutorial!

Well, it's mighty early in the morning, but I haven't bee able to sleep! So...I decided to re-do my manicure for tomorrow's work day! I fudged up this one a bit, but I'm a bit tired and VERY clumsy! I'm still learning all of the tricks and tips! But here goes! Oh! Also! I was planning on doing a mail post...yesterday? But I wanted to see what would come in today and tomorrow and also take photos of what I'm sending out!

Well! Here goes! Hopefully you can understand my instructions!

Materials I used:

- nail polish remover.

- cotton balls/any similar thing. This is what I had on hand.

- an old clipboard.

- pointy tweezers (similar to these but way cheaper! Not a necessary item but they come in handy.)

- fimo fruit slices like these.

- Essie 'Vanity Fairest'.

- Wet n' Wild Wild Shine in shade 402/Tickled Pink.

- Seche Vite topcoat.

- nail scrubby brush. (they are like a dollar!)

- cotton swabs/Q-Tips (I don't use them much till after it's dried a long time to clean up edges.

The Process:

So, first, I like to lay out all of my materials. Nobody wants to be fumbling for things with wet or tacky nails!

OH! here is a close-up on my fimo slices!

Lets begin the removal of your previous nail polish! Most of you saw my previous red fruit manicure, so now, I'm taking that one off! Once again, I like to lay out my supplies. I use non-acetone remover!

Seche Vite comes off super easy and that is one of the features I LOVE about it! I used to use the Essie topcoat that supposedly dried quickly (it didn't.) and it was SO HARD TO GET OFF! Use the cotton puff to gently remove your existing polish and then if you have some spots near your cuticles that the puff can't reach, I suggest using a cotton swab/Q-Tip with a bit of nail polish remover on it to get inside and remove those little bits of nail polish. But be careful not to over do it! Remover is drying and can make any owwies hurt or any dry cuticles irritated! Removing those little bits is especially important when using a lighter color nail lacquer. As you can see below, I pour a teeny bit of remover into the cap and lightly dip the swab in. :)

Now, it's time to rinse! I'm not sure if manicure aficionados recommend this, but I ALWAYS wash my hands after removing polish! I use regular soap, normally liquid (or sometimes bar soap, whatever is on hand!) and use my nail cleaning scrubby to remove any extra gunk or polish remover! Gives me a nice fresh slate. :)

And post wash!

Lets get to painting! Given that I haven't had much success without a base coat, I decided to give it a go. I applied one layer of Essie 'Vanity Fairest' (a light beige almost.) to give me something to work off of.

Whole hand! There's really not much difference except for a teensy bit more shine, but it makes a difference in the end.

Now it's time to polish! The most important part (for me at least..then again, I AM an instant gratification type of girl...) is to let the first coat of whatever color you choose to dry. Or at least get to a semi-tacky/tacky state. I cannot stress that enough! It's really not that long of a wait, especially with all of these new quick-dry polishes.

Lets apply the first coat of pink! (This is the Wet n' Wild 402 color.)

Whole hand first coat!

Again, be sure your materials for the last coat and whatnot are ready! (I'm missing my topcoat in this photo, haha.)

Once that first coat is tacky-ish, apply your second coat as smoothly as you can. Don't freak out if you make a few errors because Seche Vite seems to be the fix-all of glossy top coats! Now, we're about to get into the scary area...the fimo application.

I know some prefer to apply a fruit slice directly onto wet polish, but I prefer to once again, let it get tacky and then pick it up with a toothpick or in my case, a pointy pair of tweezers, that has a bit of Seche Vite on the end to catch the fimo. Let me just show you how small these pieces are so that you can get a feel for the kind of 'sticker-onner' tool you'll need. The photo below has my slices sat next to a standard hair/bobby pin.

I guess a step by step would be easier.

1. Take your tweezer, toothpick or whatever utensil you want and get a teeny bit of SV (Seche Vite or topcoat of your choice.) on the end. Be careful not to put too much on the end! You can see in the photo below, I used my tweezers.

2. Once that is done, lightly tap the top of your selected slice and the slice should stick lightly to your utensil.

3. GENTLY place the slice in the desired area. It should come off your utensil fairly easily. If you press down to hard, it may since down into your polish and that is well...odd looking.

4. Let it sit for a minute or so and then apply more SV or topcoat! I love the SV because it's nice and thick but it is also easily manageable if you want a thinner coating.

5. Give it about 30 seconds to settle, and then follow up with another coat of SV or topcoat and SHABAM! CUTE MANICURE!

Here are both of my hands. I know it looks like it came out messy, but you can clean them up afterwards (once they are fully dry!) but a bit of polish remover and a tiny swab. Just make sure not to remove anything you don't want to remove! My nails got a bit messed up because I was maneuvering the camera all around with wet nails!

You can also purchase unsliced canes like these that come in different shapes, and pre-sliced ones that come in different these like these hearts, butterflies, flowers, and these animals. Oh, and how can I forget the dessert and cupcake slices?!?! Sometime soon, I plan on messing about with some dried flowers as well!

So! That's my VERY beginner's guide to a super simple, cute manicure! :D Let me know what you guys think!

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Good morning!

It feels weird to be up before noon! And no, that's not because I'm lazy. I just require more sleep than other people. Anywho, are there any tea drinkers on here? Can anyone suggest some tea types that are going to be especially tasty? I've really got to start drinking something other than coffee in the mornings, but I have nowhere to begin!

I wanted to post about my at-home manicure and pedicure! (I've got mail photos for a post later today, but I wanted to post my tea question in the morning.) I've recently become enchanted with doing my nails! I work retail and it's really kind of a requirement because you're constantly handing things to people and nice clean nails look the best! I'm only allowed to wear nail colors in the nude-pink-red families, however, I am able to get away with the muted purple on my toesies! I was thinking I might post a photo-tutorial on how I did this the next time I have to change my nails up! I used Essie nail polish, Seche Vite top coat, and fimo fruit slices! I went with Essie Meet Me At Sunset for this manicure and Essie Chinchilly for the pedicure! I'm always working in flip-flops, so the pedicure is totally necessary!

Left hand:

Right hand:


Fun, right? Now I'm a bit obsessed with nail art things!